Before you read this blog please know that this is in no way shape or form a plea for attention. This is my story. For months and I do mean months, life has been a question for me. You know you're getting older when you suddenly start seeing people leaving this place day in and day out. I start questioning my meaning. Here I am leading an organization of mothers and still inside I felt I wasn't doing enough. I don't know if I would say I was depressed but I wasn't happy.
I wasn't on the floor crying, I wasn't hiding, I was maintaining, still going to work, still managing my organization, still being a mother, still being a wife, but something wasn't right. I told a close friend and she said, ok, let's fast! So we did. It helped, but my heart was hurting and I didn't know why.. Have you ever been here?
What happened? you know what happened? I start measuring my life by outside approval, I start thinking my organization suck because a post only had five likes, I heard the devil telling me go back to hanging and having fun, you've been way too spiritual lately. These voices were eating me up but yet I was still existing. I didn't need to be checked into a mental institution, I wasn't going to commit suicide, I just wasn't happy. I was secretly jealous of those more successful than me. I didn't know what was going on. One day I decided enough was enough I wasn't attending any more pity parties and just like that I got out of my own way. There's no aha moment here, or any super spiritual message but here's what I did:
1. I stopped measuring my life by social media. My life mattered rather I posted it or not. My organization mattered rather I have one like or a million. I said God I'm doing good work, it makes me happy, I'm having fun with it. So just let that be it FUN! Everything is not a business, everything is not a goal, everything is not a mission, sometimes things just makes our soul happy and God can figure out the rest. Yep! I went back to my original purpose with the organization and I took the pressure off to be liked. Now when I post an event, I'm confident that it will motivate and inspire someone and it can be just me and my mom. Who cares?! I'm not in it for the fame, I'm in it for the love.
2. I stop hating. Yeah you heard me. I stop secretly being jealous of all the girl bosses out here, instead I say, "you go girl"! Now I'm collaborating with like-minded organizations , working together and helping others, and it's fun!!! I don't force relationships, if it works it does, if it doesn't, much success to you. It's something about being happy for others that heals your heart. More collaborating, less competition.
3. I stop trying to be perfect. Listen, I'm not perfect I talk about God because he's my healer but I used to have so much pressure trying to make sure my post, and etc. reflected a "GOD-LIKE" life. I remembered my friend and I talked till 3am in the morning about rather or not it was ok for us to be at TrapKaraoke being saved. That's a whole other debate. But I'm not perfect, I love God like crazy, there's some things God is still working with me on and guess what that's ok. Don't be judgmental we all wear our sins differently. Yes WE ALL! Conviction is real. God will convict us all, and yes he convicts me, yes I ask for forgiveness, and yes I strive to be a better person everyday. But perfect Nah! Not me
4. I stopped measuring up my friends. Yep. I stopped thinking that my friends and their level of support is measured upon the value of our friendship. I have different friends for different things. And yes that's ok. I threw those expectations out the window. I had crazy expectations. This doesn't mean that I stopped counting on them in the time of need. It means I realized we all have lives, we all have struggles, and you just might can't make everything. Hey but you still love me. You're still come running if I'm in dire need. You'll still answer the phone on a rough night. I stop making people and friends my life line. I saved that for GOD.
5. I realized my story is just that MY story. I don't have to be Beyonce, or anybody. I am Jessica Marie Byrd. Say it loud lol. I am me, my journey, my story, my life, my purpose, my household, my everything isn't identical to anyone else's. And that's just that!
6. I forgave myself. Man I was so darn hard on myself. Like seriously. Like listen Jessica you're only 30 chill, you'll be 31 in two weeks, Girl you're doing your thang:) Insert love. Love on yourself! I also forgave myself for things that didn't work, thoughts that weren't pure, mistakes I made, you get the gist.
7. I stop needing validation. This was the best quote I've ever heard. "I already like me, your likes are extra"! Like what! I don't need you to say I'm pretty, to say keep going. At some point I have to do that for myself. Yes honey pull your own self up. Remember what God thinks about you, what do YOU think about you? Your approval is not an indication of how awesome I am. I know that already. Before you say it's being conceited, there's a line between being confident and over doing it. Cause yes some people go overboard. Repeat this for me. STAY HUMBLE
8. I stop thinking people own me anything. Listen no one owes you anything. For some strange reason I start thinking people owe me things, rather that meant their time, their support, their encouragement, or whatever. I kept getting disappointed and it kept shattering my thoughts. I finally said, "Girl no one owes you anything"!, except my parents, like what?! They better support, oh and my hubby too. Wait nevermind. lol But seriously, the best you can do is work your tail off, work on you goals and the rest will follow. You do your part by sowing your seed, let God handle the harvest.
It was like I jumped out of a desert into my own body again. I felt so free, so happy, so pure. I was fighting a battle me vs. me! Yikes! I know this journey will change and I might get in a funk again but I know I won't ever stay there near as long! Here's to 31 in two weeks. No long list of things I wished I would of accomplished, no bucket list, just me. Learning and enjoying the journey. Stay CHIC